Nowhere else to go. No enemy to fight. What was I doing? Was I really going to do this? A blur of things surrounded me. I watched them without seeing, sensed things upon my fingertips without feeling them. Faces filled my mind; some happy, many sad or angry. I was a disappointment to all of them. I had hurt each of them in some way. They were better off without me. Better off to live their lives and be happy and have fun and be full, untouched people.
My chest heaved several times to catch breath that would never come. My back pressed against something cool. I shivered while focusing upon my environment, seeing for the first time. Where was it? Why couldn't I find it? I looked upon the table, over counter tops and anywhere else it might be. My hand trailed against something heavy and cold. Ah, there it was. It felt powerful as I raised it, reassuring. My hand was steady and calm.
Too steady. It scared me. I didn't want to be this calm. I tried thinking about the faces once again, to elicit some emotion from myself. Nothing; they would be happy that I was this way. Happy that I didn't feel a single thing, even though I wanted to.
I brought it closer toward me. My hand's grip tightened around it. It was much better this way. They shouldn't have to suffer. I would do that for them.
I pressed it hard against my skull. My finger tightened. I listened for my own beating heart.
Between the beats...it's easiest if it is between the beats...
I faltered. For the first time, my hand shook. I heard it ring within my ears; my one companion that was along for this journey. He drummed through it all in his steady, rhythmic tone. He was not scared as I had been. His tone was not meek or pathetic as the large layer of sweat that hung upon my brow. He was strong. I hated him for that.
My lungs drew air. I willed them not to. My entire body was defying me; I felt betrayed by it's action. A second time I jabbed the thing at my brain. A second time I took it away. Tears stung at my eyes and rolled down my cheeks in a fiery path. My shoulders slumped, causing my back to warm from being taken from the cold wall. My hand gripped ever tighter around the object held within my grasp. I struck at my thigh with a shout. Again and again, each time bringing pain. I watched as the skin slowly bruised. I watched the thing for several, long moments.
She came into view. I watched as she turned toward me, her face decorated in the most lovely of smiles. She watched me for several moments, that glowing expression fading slowly, agonizingly, into a bitter scowl. Her back then faced me, followed by footsteps. She was gone from me.
I never meant any of it!
My mind screamed the words. I slammed the object down upon the ground and collapsed into a heap of tears, sweat-soaked flesh and clothing. I felt the emotion drain from me and pool into the room. Blackness filled my vision as my face lay buried into my sleeve. My shoulders heaved with fresh, jerky sobs. My breath was ragged, uneven and burned within my lungs.
It's time to go...
The words filled my head with slow, even tempo. They gave me peace. The truth was right there, in my grasp. It wasn't their problem to have to hurt for anymore. It was too much for any one person to bear.
I picked the object from the floor, my tear-streaked vision blurring the detail of the thing that would end the pain. I jerked it upward, my tongue tingling with held breath.
Ba-dum....Ba-dum....
Between the beats....
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